UIP- Episode 11: The Invisible Rulebook
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[00:00:00] This is unapologetically in Power, the podcast for ambitious women who are done performing and ready to lead from their unapologetic truth. I am Jennifer Damaskos and here. We don't play small in this space. We dismantle burnout, reclaim your energy and activate the unapologetic leader you are always meant to be, so you can lead, earn, and live from your unapologetic self.
What if I told you that most of the rules running your career, your [00:01:00] business, even your leadership style, you never actually agreed to? You didn't sign a contract, you didn't say yes. But somewhere along the way, someone handed you an Invisible rule book about how professional women should behave, how leaders should show up, how much space you're allowed to take, and you've been following it so long it feels like truth.
But here's the thing, those rules aren't truth. There's someone else's expectations, dressed up as professional wisdom, and today we're gonna talk about what happens when you finally see the Invisible Rule book and what it looks like to burn it. For me, the wake up call didn't come from some big career failure.
It came from the overhead lights in my office. [00:02:00] The company had just installed a new automatic light system, motion sensors, energy efficient, the problem, the sensor was tucked behind my monitors so it never saw me. So every 20 minutes or so, the lights would click off and I'd be left in the dark. So picture this.
Browser tabs open everywhere. Slack notifications pinging with urgent requests that weren't actually urgent. An inbox that seemed to multiply by the hour I was already buried and then click darkness again. I got to the point where I stopped even bothering with the overhead lights. I'd come in, turn on my computer, switch on the cabinet under lighting, and just work in this dim cave-like glow.
That's what it felt like working in the dark, following rules. I [00:03:00] hadn't agreed to rules I couldn't even see, but that shaped every choice I made, and that's when it hit me. I wasn't just tired, I wasn't just overworked. I had spent 20 years building a life. I didn't just resent. I hated it and I hated it because I had been living by a rule book I never agreed to, but followed it anyway, meticulously.
Here's what that rule book sounded like in my world. The professional rules were don't charge too much. Someone might call you greedy. Don't promote yourself too boldly. It looks desperate. Don't take up too much space in meetings. Other people might get uncomfortable.
Don't say no to opportunities You might not get asked again, don't share your struggles, professionals. Keep it together. The leadership rules. Be collaborative, [00:04:00] not commanding. Strong opinions make you difficult. Give credit away. Take blame personally. That's what good leaders do. Work harder than everyone else to prove you belong.
Always be grateful. Never question. Ambition looks ungrateful. The visibility rules. Share your wins humbly. Confidence looks like arrogance. Make everything about serving others because personal goals are selfish. Downplay your expertise. Authority makes people uncomfortable. Always be accessible.
Boundaries mean you don't care enough. I didn't write those rules, but I live by them like corporate law. And they were suffocating my growth, my profit, and my purpose. [00:05:00] That's the thing about the Invisible Rule Book. It doesn't show up in leadership training manuals. It gets passed down through workplace culture, industry wisdom, and what researchers call gendered expectations of professional behavior.
Harvard Business Review is written extensively about the double bind women face in leadership. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. The same behaviors that are praised in men directness, confidence, authority often get women labeled difficult or too much.
Cheryl Sandberg's work with Lean in.org showed that women who demonstrate leadership behaviors are far more likely to be called bossy or abrasive than men acting the same way. And here's the cost. The Journal of Applied Psychology found that women who [00:06:00] conform to these unwritten rules report 43% lower job satisfaction.
Earn 23% less over their careers and are 31% less likely to pursue high visibility opportunities. That's not just preference, that's identity erosion because when you live by rules you never signed up for, the cost isn't just money. It's burnout, it's resentment, it's stagnation. It's losing pieces of yourself until you don't recognize the woman in the mirror.
So here's your reflection today. Grab a journal or record a voice note. We're gonna do your Invisible Rule book audit. What are three unwritten rules about how I should behave as a professional that I've been following? Ask yourself, [00:07:00] what are three unwritten rules about how I should behave as a professional that I've been following?
Which leadership or visibility rules have I absorbed that might not actually be true? If I didn't have to follow anyone else's rules? What would I do differently in my work, my leadership, my business? Don't overthink these. Just get honest, because once you see the rule book, you can't unsee it. Here's what I want you to remember.
You don't need permission to write your own rules for success. You don't need validation to want more, charge more, or take up more space, but awareness alone isn't enough. Yeah, because awareness without action just keeps you stuck in self-reflection.
That's why in module one of RISE is reclaim create from the future. We don't [00:08:00] just name the rule book, we rewrite it, and inside that work we activate your future self. The woman you're becoming, not the one following old rules. Use reverse gap planning. So it's building from your vision backward, not from other people's expectations.
Forward run a burnout inventory. So we're spotting the rules that are literally draining your life force and uncover the stuck stories that keep you playing small. Because you can't build your future from someone else's rules. You can only build it by creating your own. So tell me what rules have you been living by and which ones are you ready to burn?
DM me, leave a comment, or just start the conversation with yourself because your rule book rewrite starts now. [00:09:00] This is unapologetically in Power. I'm Jennifer Damascus, and your permission to write your own rules starts today.
