welcome to unapologetically in power
I'm Jennifer Damascus
and this is the space where we talk about identity
power and what it actually takes to live and lead
without performing for approval
think of this as a room you step into once a week
to take that armor off a place where we
name the patterns we've been praised for
and gently question whether they're still serving us
and today
I wanna talk about something that hides in plain sight
for a lot of high performing women
something that looks like discipline
looks like excellence looks like having high standards
but underneath it very often is avoidance
so let's start with something you've probably said
at least once maybe this week maybe this morning
I just want to get it right
I'm almost ready
I just need to clean this up a little more
I have high standards
and here's the uncomfortable truth
I want to explore with you today
perfection isn't excellence it's avoidance
and before you tense up this isn't a call out
it's a translation
because perfectionism isn't a flaw
it's a survival strategy that once worked very well
and now quietly
it may be keeping you stuck
so let's talk about what perfectionism actually is
because most high achieving women I work with
don't even identify as perfectionists
they see themselves as disciplined
thoughtful reliable
detail oriented committed to quality
and they are those things
but perfectionism isn't about doing high quality work
it's about needing certainty before safety
perfectionism says if I get this exactly right
I won't be judged
if I prepare enough I won't fail
if I refine this a little more
I won't be rejected
that's not excellence
that's fear wearing a very polished outfit
excellence is about craft
perfectionism is about control
so excellence says
I care deeply and I'm willing to learn
perfectionism says
I can't afford to be seen until I'm flawless
that distinction matters more than we tend to admit
so why does perfectionism feel responsible
or maybe even noble
and this part matters because
perfectionism doesn't come from nowhere
for many people it starts early
you might have been the responsible one
the smart one the easy one
the one who didn't cause trouble
you Learned to read the room
to anticipate expectations
to edit yourself before anyone else could
and over time precision became Protection
psychologist Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett
who've studied perfectionism for decades
describe it not as a strength
but as a coping strategy
rooted in fear of evaluation and rejection
in another words perfectionism isn't about standards
it's about safety
and for a while it works
it earns approval it builds confidence
it keeps you ahead of disappointment
until one day it doesn't
so let's talk about the cost that nobody talks about
because perfectionism rarely looks chaotic
it looks like over preparing
overthinking
endlessly refining
waiting until things feel ready
starting strong then stalling quietly
brilliant ideas that never quite ship
it looks like diligence
but underneath it's delay disguised as discipline
and the cost isn't just productivity
it's identity
because over time perfectionism teaches you
that your worth lives in outcomes
your safety depends on approval
and your voice needs polishing before it deserves space
and that's exhausting
when perfection is the bar
rest feels irresponsible completion feels premature
visibility feels risky
so you stay in preparation mode forever
refining forever almost ready forever one edit away
this is not a mindset issue
and here's the part most mindset conversations skip
perfectionism isn't primarily a thinking problem
it's a nervous system strategy
when your brain perceives uncertainty
or evaluation as a threat
it activates your threat response
this is well documented in neuroscience
research on stress and regulation
including the work of Brooke Mckeown on allo
static load
under threat your system prioritizes control
vigilance and error prevention
not creativity not experimentation
not flow
that's why polishing feels safer than publishing
your body is trying to reduce risk
and that makes sense from a nervous system perspective
perfectionism is an attempt to create predictability
in an unpredictable world
and there's nothing wrong with you for having it
but adulthood asks something different
it asks for discernment instead of control
presence instead of performance
choice instead of compulsion
and those aren't mindset switches
they're regulation shifts
so
what the research actually shows us about excellence
is where the story gets interesting
because research on performance and motivation
consistently shows that self compassion
and psychological safety predict sustainable growth
far better than self criticism
work by researchers like Kristen Neff
and studies in self determination theory
by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan
show that people perform better
persist longer
and recover faster when they feel internally safe
psychological safety
it's a concept studied extensively by Amy Edmonson
also shows up as a key predictor of learning
and effectiveness not pressure
so in simple terms pressure narrows behavior
safety expands it
perfection promises safety through control
but excellence actually emerges from permission
permission to try permission to adjust
permission to be seen before you're finished
so let's start with a real distinction
and here's where we refrain
excellence is responsive
perfection is rigid
excellence says I'll do my best with what I know
now
perfection says I can't move until I know everything
excellence allows iteration
perfection demands finality
excellence creates momentum
perfection creates paralysis
and most importantly
excellence trust process
perfection demands certainty
one expands you the other cages you
so let me ask you something
and you don't need to answer out loud
where in your life are you using perfection as a delay
where are you waiting to feel ready
before allowing movement
where has preparation quietly replaced participation
and if you're honest
what might open up
if you allowed yourself to be seen at 80%
instead of 110%
and with these questions just notice what comes up
no fixing no forcing
just awareness
so you're probably asking
you know Jen
why does this matter in an identity level
you know I
I don't get it
and the reason why it does is
perfectionism isn't just a work habit
it shapes how you relate to your visibility
your leadership your money
your rest creativity
your relationships
when your identity is built around
being the capable one
slowing down can feel like losing yourself
that's why this work isn't about doing less
it's about
disentangling who you are from what you produce
that's identity work quiet
subtle
deeply powerful
and if perfection
has been part of how you've stayed safe
stayed capable or stayed respected
there's nothing wrong with you for relying on it
it did its job
but you don't have to keep earning your right to exist
through performance
let me say that again
you do not have to keep earning your right to exist
through performance
you are allowed to be in process
you are allowed to be seen before you're finished
you are allowed to choose presence over polish
and if this conversation stirred something for you
I've created a small
reflective tool called the Power Prompt Quartet
it's a set of guided prompts
designed to help you notice where perfection has been
running the show and what wants to take its place
you'll find it LinkedIn the show notes
whenever you're ready there's no pressure
it's just an invitation
thank you for spending this time with me
and I'll see you next
week here on unapologetically in power
