welcome to unapologetically in power
I'm Jennifer Damascus
and this is the space where we talk about identity
power and what it actually takes to live and lead
without performing for approval
think of this as a room you step into once a week
to take your armor off a place where we
name the patterns we've been praised for
and gently question whether they're still serving us
today I wanna talk about something
that gets celebrated constantly
especially for high achieving women
independence
self sufficiency being capable
not needing anyone
holding it all together
and here's the quiet truth I want to explore with you
independence isn't the same as freedom
most of the women I work with are deeply independent
they're resourceful they're competent
they figure things out they don't wait to be rescued
they handle their responsibilities
and over time that becomes part of their identity
I've always been the strong one
Jen I don't like relying on people Jen
I just rather do it myself
and to be clear independence itself is not the problem
the question is where it came from
because for many people
independence wasn't a preference
it was a necessity
so for a lot of women independence forms early
maybe
you Learned that asking for help LED to disappointment
or that support came with strings attached
or that being low maintenance made you easier to love
or that competence earned safety
so you adapted you Learned to handle things on your own
manage your emotions quietly
anticipate needs before they become problems
take responsibility early
you became reliable capable
strong
and that strength worked it protected you
it gave you control it helped you succeed
but over time
independence can quietly harden into armor
and here's the part people don't say out loud
independence can become a way to avoid vulnerability
because needing someone requires trust
and trust requires risk
so independence starts to sound like I got this
I don't wanna burden anyone
it's easier if I just handle it myself
I don't wanna owe anyone
underneath that language
is often a fear of disappointment
rejection or loss of control
what began as strength slowly becomes isolation
not loud loneliness not dramatic loneliness
quiet loneliness
the kind where you're surrounded by people
but carrying everything alone
so let's ground this in something concrete
because this pattern isn't just emotional
it's biological
research in attachment and stress psychology
shows that when early support feels inconsistent
or conditional
people often develop strong self reliance
as a coping strategy
in attachment research
this is sometimes described as an avoidant
or dismissive adaptation
not avoidance of people but avoidance of dependence
your nervous system learns something very simple
relying on myself is safer
from a neuroscience perspective
this makes sense
because research on stress and regulation
including work by Bruce Mcguin on Allo static load
shows that when the system perceives unpredictability
or emotional risk
it shifts towards control and self management
control becomes regulation
so hyper independence isn't stubbornness
it isn't coldness
it isn't arrogance
it's regulation
your system Learned that
self reliance reduces uncertainty
and that's important because
it means
this isn't something you think your way out of
it softens through experience not force
through moments of safe
chosen interdependence
not oversharing not collapsing
not giving up autonomy just small
consensual experiences of support
that don't cost you your dignity
so here's where the reframe gets important
decades of research in psychology
show that long term resilience
is not built on independence alone
studies on motivation and well being
including self determination theory by Desi and Ryan
consistently show that humans thrive
when three needs are supported
their autonomy their competence
their connection
not one of these but all three
similarly research on psychological safety
including work by Amy Edmonson
shows that people function better
lead better and sustain performance longer
when they feel safe enough to ask
receive and collaborate
so in other words
strength isn't the absence of need
it's the ability to choose support
without losing yourself
independence can protect you but freedom expands you
here's the distinction I want to leave you with
independence says I don't need anybody
freedom says
I get to choose when connection supports me
independence says I'll carry it
freedom says I don't have to carry everything
independence often narrows your world
where freedom expands it
and the key difference is this
independence protects you from disappointment
freedom allows you to experience support
without surrendering your power
so let me ask you something
and as always you don't need to answer out loud
but where in your life has independence become a reflex
instead of a choice
where do you automatically say
I've got it even when you're tired
where might allowing support
actually make you more effective not weaker
I want you just to notice what comes up
no fixing no forcing
just awareness
and this is why this work goes deeper than habits
or productivity
independence shapes identity
when you've been the capable one for a long time
slowing down can feel like losing yourself
but this isn't about becoming dependent
it's about becoming self LED
self LED people can stand on their own and collaborate
they can lead and receive
they can hold strength and softness at the same time
that's a more durable kind of power
the kind that doesn't come from proving resilience
but from trusting yourself enough to choose connection
when it serves you
and if independence has been how you stayed safe
capable or respected
there's nothing wrong with you
for learning that strategy
it did its job
but you don't have to keep earning
your right to connection by carrying everything alone
let me say that again
you do not have to keep earning
your right to connection by carrying everything alone
you are allowed to receive support
without losing your edge
you are allowed to rest without justifying it
you are allowed to choose interdependence
instead of isolation
and if this stirred something for you
I've created a gentle entry point to explore it further
it's the identity quiz
which helps you see which pattern shapes how you lead
relate and protect yourself
you'll find it LinkedIn the show
notes whenever you're ready
no pressure just information
thank you for spending this time with me
I'll see you next week
here on unapologetically in power